Baffled by all this new-age business jargon? There's nothing more irksome than business idioms. Actually, there is, business idioms that are incorrectly used. Here's a useful corporate dictionary for the understandably confused.
These guys just love a standing meeting
Secret sauce = the thing that gives your business a competitive advantage that you'd rather keep close to your chest; sounds excitingly venereal to the foul minded
Non-hierarchical = everyone's a potential scapegoat
Collaboration = when the good carry the bad, and everyone gets the credit
Innovation = what we'd better be doing while we're playing ping pong and lounging on beanbags on company time
Standing meetings = because office space in Soho is £70 per square foot
BYOD (bring your own device) = no, your company won't be buying you a £749 iPhone X
Onboarding = someone take the new kid out for a sandwich, for god's sake
Unlimited annual leave = a new-age form of departmental peer pressure
Employee benefits = care about me as much as I do and I might stay longer
Employee engagement = a strategic display of emotional intelligence by the senior management team
Remote working = because sometimes I just want to do my job in a fleece onesie and not be judged
IM (instant messaging) = silent social skills killer
Ideate = If you ever find yourself typing this, just stop right there. Turn the computer off and go sit in the corner and think about what you've done.
Corporate culture = strategic and collective effort to conceal our inner arsehole
Reach out = contact
Cascade = forward
Put a pin in it = that's up there with the worst idea you've ever had
Going forward = another way of saying 'in future' or 'from now on', because the two existing phrases weren't good enough
Wheelhouse = "That's not in my wheelhouse" = "I don't have a bloody clue"
"Well, that's a great question" = something said by Americans before answering every question ever asked
To suggest inclusions to Tartle's corporate jargon dictionary email hello@tartlemedia.co.uk
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